Angel Of Death
by Death88
Summary: The classic Shinji gets a spine fic, courtesy of both Shinji's benefactor and your author, Death88!
1. Meet the Angel of Death

ANGEL OF DEATH

_By Death88_

Shinji was walking home from his school on a bright, sunny Friday afternoon. However, he wasn't walking for long.

"MEIN GOTT! Ich werde Sie töten! (I WILL KILL YOU!)"

After that, Shinji was running from the wrath of one Asuka Langley Sohryu, bent on murder.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY LUNCH, SHINJI! IT ALMOST BURNED MY MOUTH OFF!"

A flying kick send him sprawling, and at the mercy of Asuka.

---5 MINUTES LATER---

Thoroughly bruised and battered, Shinji stumbled out of an alleyway, and tripped over the hem of a trench coat. Upon further realizations, it was revealed that it was a fellow teen in the coat. That struck him as odd, but Shinji didn't stop to think about it.

"Gomen nasai."

As Shinji started walking off, the as-yet-unknown teen in the black coat stated, "Am I correct in assuming that you do not enjoy getting beaten up for something you didn't do?"

Shinji turned, and saw the teen pull an empty spice jar marked 'JABANERO PEPPER' out of his trench coat and throw it into a trash can.

"As I was saying, you don't enjoy it when Asuka literally creams you for something that was perpetrated by someone, oh, I don't know, like me, perhaps?"

Shinji said nothing.

"Oh my god, you're pathetic. But then again, that's why I'm here. I'm going to teach you how to be the complete opposite of a spineless wimp."

"Um… who are you?"

"Silly me, I forgot to introduce myself. I am the Angel Of Death."

"The Grim Reaper?"

"No, Angel. As in the things you've been fighting in your big purple robot. There's a difference between the Angel of Death and the Grim Reaper."

Shinji stared on, dumbfounded.

"Look, this is getting nowhere, fast. Get in the car, and we'll go someplace where you'll understand."

"Um… Mr. Death…"

"Does it look like I should be called 'Mr. Death' to you? Just Death, please."

"Okay, er, Death. Where are you taking me, and are you allowed to drive? I mean, you don't look more than fourteen. OH MY GOD, ARE YOU HERE TO KILL ME! ARE YOU GOING TO DESTROY THE CITY!"

"OH MY FREAKIN' GOD, I AM NOT THE GRIM REAPER, NOR DO I HAVE AN AT FIELD, ALRIGHT! GET IN THE CAR!"

After a long and mostly uneventful drive, except for the fact that the car was in the wrong lane half the time, they arrived at their destination.

"Well, here we are."

"This… is the middle of nowhere."

"Exactly. Now shut your mouth, and listen up. I'm the Angel of Death. If I was going to destroy the city, I would have an AT field, I would not be sitting here talking to the top EVA pilot. The difference between the Angel of Death and the Grim Reaper is that the Grim Reaper comes once you're dead, and takes your soul. I just have to make it so you want to die. It's a crappy job, since nobody ever wants to die, at least not in Japan."

"Why were you driving on the wrong side of the road?"

"I'm American, all right? I'm kind of used to it, and besides, my car is a left-hand drive, so it's hard to drive correctly in Japan. Anyway, I'm here to help you. You and I both know that you're tired of Asuka being a bitch to you, and I'm here to make sure she doesn't do that anymore."

"You're not going to kill her, are you!"

"I AM NOT THE GRIM REAPER! I'M HERE TO HELP YOU! Our first lesson is a test of endurance. You get to find your way back to Miss Katsuragi's apartment. Ready, go!"

And with that, Death drove off, leaving a dumbfounded Shinji stranded in the middle of nowhere.

"I didn't know that the Grim Reaper needed to drive around in a car. Or that he was a kid like me. Or that he had such a… dry sense of humor." Shinji noted, as he looked around and saw nothing. Anywhere.

"This sucks."

---- AUTHOR'S NOTES ----

For all those who can't take the hint from my pen name, I am the Angel of Death. No, this is not a crappy Self-Insertion fic where I'm an EVA pilot and I have a 399 sync ratio, and all the girls love me. This is one where I figured it would be the best way to teach Shinji how to grow a backbone, because it's too unrealistic to believe that he would do it by himself.

Plus, I get to insult all the S.I. fics out there. Well, at least the ones in the Evangelion category.

If you want this story continued…

"IT'S ALL UP TO YOU, SO CLICK, TYPE, REVIEW!"™

So, until next time,

Your Friendly Fanfic Author (that's about to get lynched for not updating his other stories)

DEATH88


	2. Dinner and Violence

ANGEL OF DEATH

_By Death88_

---AUTHOR'S NOTES---

_DISCLAIMER: Does it look like I own Neon Genesis Evangelion? NO! If I did, Shinji wouldn't have even started out as a spineless wimp, and he would have rearranged his father's face, courtesy of Shinji's fist, when he had the chance in the cemetery._

Well, I'm in a bit of a bind.

_Excerpt From First Review Received: _

…_and if you make this as Rei/Shinji romance fanfic, I will keep reading this._

_Excerpt From Second Review Received: _

_Well, I will keep reading if this will be an SxA._

_Note to Second Reviewer: I think I have an idea why you prefer SxA._

So as you can see, no matter which way I turn, I'm gonna run into a wall. After all, if a room doesn't have four walls… then who the hell built your house, anyway? Anyway, this chapter will probably be a little better, considering that I cracked out the first one in about 30 minutes. So, without further ado…

---CHAPTER TWO: _Dinner and violence_---

Shinji collapsed on the sidewalk, legs aching. After walking for at least ten miles, one does not simply act as if one can endure. Instead, you would do something like what Shinji was doing now.

"Ow… my aching legs… AAAGH!"

This last statement was yelled once Shinji tried to move again. Testing most of his muscles, he found that he was sore all over. However, he wasn't too sore to jump out of the way of an oncoming car, which skidded to a halt about five feet away from him.

"So, I see you made it back into town. That's good, at least. Now, I'll drive you home."

Shinji silently stepped through Death's door… the passenger door of his car, that is.

"S-so, Mr. Death…"

"Just call me Death, and please, don't stutter."

"So, Death, why exactly are you helping me."

"Well, not only will you be able to fight Angels more effectively, but by the time I'm through with you, the girls will be falling all over themselves to get at you."

Shinji flushed.

"Hmm? You seem a little red in the face. Already got a girl that you want?"

"N-no, I-I-I…"

"Oh yeah, did I mention that I'm telepathic?"

Shinji turned beet red.

"I was kidding. But the fact that you're redder than that stop sign I just ran over shows that I'm right. What the… HEY! DUMBASS PEDESTRIANS! GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

And with that, Death shoved his middle finger out the car window. Shinji clutched the armrests and the door for dear life.

"No, Shinji, I'm not as bad as Misato. I'm just doing this to scare you."

"H-how'd you know I was going to say that?"

"You were opening your mouth, and I was driving like a crazy person. I added two and two together, and got four."

A loud screech announced their arrival at Misato's apartment.

"It's time for your next test."

"Huh?"

'ELEVATOR BROKEN'

"Voila! No more elevator for you!"

"But, that's almost eleven flights of stairs!"

"Then I suggest you get climbing. You don't want to miss your third test."

"Third test?"

"Look at your watch."

And with that, Death pressed the up button and stepped into the elevator. Shinji was too preoccupied to notice.

'Look at my watch? What does he mean? It's 7:20 PM, there's nothing else Death can make me do when I'm inside the apartment cooking din… OH SHIT, I'M LATE FOR DINNER!'

And indeed he was, for dinner was usually prepared by 7:00, at the latest. However, some unavoidable delay caused Shinji to lose track of time. He thanked his lucky stars that he had gotten a ride for part of the way home. Death stepped back out of the elevator.

"Oh, and in case you didn't know, Asuka is pissed off. You may need this stealth suit."

The doors slammed, and eleven clicks were heard, before a ding, snap, crash, KABOOM! In succession that was:

Ding: Doors opening

Snap: Cable snapping

Crash: Elevator hitting bottom

KABOOM: Elevator doors blowing out into right where Shinji would be standing if he wasn't already running up the stairs.

---FIVE MINUTES LATER---

Charging up eleven flights isn't something to be taken lightly. Neither was Asuka's expected wrath on Shinji. However, he stopped for a few minutes to catch his breath and put on the stealth suit. It instantly molded to his figure.

'Hey, this is almost like my plugsuit.'

Slowly opening the door, he slipped inside to be greeted with the sounds of things breaking against the outer wall. Tiptoeing quietly towards the kitchen, muffled German rantings (he guessed that they were rantings) could be heard from behind a closed door.

"Shinji stirbt, sobald ich ihn sehe! (Shinji dies, as soon as I see him!)"

Shinji gulped, and hoped that dinner would satisfy Asuka's anger. Surprisingly, he managed to sneak past Asuka's room, and into the kitchen. Subsequently, he almost blew his cover by yelling, once he came face-to-face with Death in the kitchen. And by that, I mean he almost bumped into the Angel of Death, not that he almost died. Well, he did almost die from the shock.

"Wow, you actually made it back without getting murdered."

Shinji could only nod dumbly.

"Since I'm only human, I decided to take pity on your poor soul and prepare a dinner that will quell Asuka's anger."

"Wait, I thought you were an Angel."

"Hey, Angels can be human too. Wait… damn, forget I said that. What? Who said anything about a conspiracy to infiltrate NERV with an angel that will pose as a pilot? There's no such thing as a secret government agency named SELEE. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE (A/N: I'm sorry, but I had to put that joke in somehow.)! So, all you need to do is give this nicely prepared German meal to Asuka, and I'll make sure that she forgets about being angry."

"Er… okay…"

Shinji picked up the tray of schnitzel, with potato salad and a lemon wedge, and brought it to Asuka.

"A-asuka, I have dinner…"

"SHINJI, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU… what is that?"

"It's schnitzel, with potato salad, and a lemon wedge."

Asuka examined it with a critical eye… until Death clunked her over the head with a pipe. Shinji looked on, horrified at the violence.

"Shinji, this is Lesson #1. Not all problems can be solved by talking, or getting punched in the face. Sometimes, you have to beat someone up."

"You didn't need to do that!"

"Well, actually, Asuka would have ripped off your manhood and thrown it out the window if I hadn't."

"EEP!"

That quickly shut Shinji up.

---ENDING NOTES---

So, what do you think? Good? Bad? Feel free to drop me a review. Oh, and also feel free to correct me on my German, if I've made a mistake.

WARNING: This Chapter May Be Hazardous To Your Mental Health

Oh wait, I was supposed to put that warning at the beginning. Whoops!

And remember, _IT'S ALL UP TO YOU, SO CLICK, TYPE, REVIEW! ™_

_Your Friendly Fanfic Author,_

_DEATH88_


	3. New Music and To The Mall

ANGEL OF DEATH

_By Death88_

---AUTHOR'S NOTES---

PAIRING VOTE COUNT

Shinji/Rei -------2

Shinji/Asuka ----2

In case anybody doesn't realize what I'm saying, those are the only two options available. Anyway, this is going to be the last chapter before we go back to the EVA storyline. I mean, it's not like you can write a good long EVA fic without having the storyline. So, without further ado…

---CHAPTER THREE: _Shinji Strikes! (Has nothing to do with the ep. of similar title)_---

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead!"

"Mmf… five more minutes."

Death, still clad in his customary black trench coat, poked Shinji with a long stick.

"Get up, Shinji."

"What time is it?"

"Five in the morning. We're already half an hour late."

"Late for what?"

"You have to get down to the other side of town and back, and pick up some special capsules, or else Asuka's short term memory will return very soon after awakening."

"WHAAAAAT!"

Five minutes later, Shinji was running like a madman down the sidewalk. Let's skip the running part, it's mostly boring, except for the fact that he tripped over a manhole… but we'll get into that some other time. He arrived at the address given to him by Death, and saw a small brown package with the words 'DANGER: DO NOT OPEN' and a small biohazard symbol. Without much thought, he scooped up the package, and began the trek back.

After the 30 minute long journey back, he wobbled up five flights of stairs, and collapsed. Death rounded the corner, and picked up the package.

"Whoops! This is the wrong one! I guess you'll have to go back."

"No."

"What did you say? You were whispering."

"I SAID NO! I WILL NOT RUN ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN TO GET SOME DAMN CAPSULE! EITHER TAKE YOUR CAR, OR I'LL TAKE MY PUNISHMENT WHEN ASUKA REMEMBERS!"

Death slowly started clapping.

"H…huh?"

"You did it!"

"Did what?"

"You finally figured out how to stand up to someone! You should have heard yourself! That was great!"

"I-I did?"

"Yes! Now, I do believe that you have a breakfast to cook, and some blue capsules to put into Asuka's food."

"You bet I do!"

Death's smile turned into a frown as Shinji walked up the rest of the flights of stairs.

'Damn, that was fast. How on earth did he learn how to stand up to someone so quickly?'

Multiple theories popped into his mind, but the one that stood out the most involved Shinji's S-DAT.

Shinji was cooking breakfast when he heard the sounds of plastic breaking and tapes spinning off their reels.

'Oh shit…'

A second later, Death walked into the kitchen grinning, holding a box marked 'SELF HELP TAPES: Standing Up To People'

"So, you thought you could learn how to stand up to people with some worthless pre-second impact tapes? And what's this other stuff you listen to? OPERA! CLASSICAL! First thing after breakfast, you are coming with me to the music store. And now I make myself scarce."

A second later, a door slammed open.

"SHINJI! THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE YOU UP THIS EARLY!"

Shinji muttered, "Crap, its Asuka." He then raised his voice. "Gomen, Asuka. I couldn't sleep."

"Well, keep it down! Some of us have a Saturday to look forward to, unlike you."

As the door slid shut, Death popped back up.

"See? You definitely need some professional help. Not some crummy old tape."

And with that, Death started for the stairwell. Shinji slid their breakfast into the oven, making sure to place the blue pill in Asuka's food, and followed.

Once again, Death was driving in the wrong lane, and once again, Shinji was confused as to why they haven't died yet.

"Just what kind of car is this?"

"I'm not sure what kind, but it's called the Gryphon."

--- MEANWHILE, IN A FORMER BANK (NOW MANSION) ---

Roger Smith, wearing his customary black suit, took one look in his garage, and yelled.

"NORMAN, WHERE'S MY CAR!"

--- MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE EVA UNIVERSE ---

A loud screech and unnecessary damage to a parking meter announced their arrival at the music store.

"Now Shinji, show me which section you usually buy your music." Shinji pointed to the left side of the store. "Now, I want you to pick out three good CDs from the right side of the store. You aren't allowed to pick anything from the left side."

And like a puff of smoke, Death was gone. The black trench coat flying around the corner behind Shinji kind of ruined the effect, though.

Shinji looked around, and realized that he didn't recognize any of the bands. HE picked one at random, and put it in the Track Preview Player.

Meanwhile, Death was in the electronics section of the Better Than Best Buy, purchasing an iPod Holographic and a DELL XPS 6000.

Five minutes later, Shinji walked out of the music store with ten CDs. Death walked up to him.

"Let's see… Green Day, blink 182, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, Van Halen, Led Zeppelin, Bob Seger, Meatloaf, Queen, and Rammstein. You just randomly pulled ten albums off the shelf, didn't you?"

Shinji nodded slowly.

"Whatever. Get in my car, and let's get the hell out of here."

Later, back at Misato's apartment, Asuka was angry. Again. In her opinion, Shinji was her personal lackey, and whenever she wanted to do something such as go shopping, and he wasn't around, it was instantly his fault. So, when the door slid open, Asuka stomped to the front, only to be greeted with a pile of boxes.

"Shinji, what the hell are these boxes doing here!"

A panting Shinji struggled up the steps with the last box.

"It was… (pant) a gift… (pant) from a friend."

"Nope, couldn't be. Neither of your two stooge friends would do this. And just where the hell have you been? I told you that we were going to go to the mall today!"

Rather than pointing out the fact that Asuka had said nothing of the sort, Shinji went with what he had termed, 'Old Faithful'.

"G-gomen, Asuka."

"Stop apologizing! Mein gott, you're a wimp! And a hentai as well! I bet you were over at Wondergirl's place acting out your perverse fantasies!"

"A-Asuka, it's not… weren't you going to go shopping?"

"Oh no, Third Child. You get to come with me. Hey! Don't you dare frown. You get to be seen with ME, the great Asuka Langley Sohryu, out in public. You should be happy!"

"But Asuka, you always make me carry the bags, while you chat and buy stuff. If we're going, we're getting a ride. I happen to know someone that would drive us."

"You're probably going to kidnap me, but oh well. I could beat you up any day."

Shinji and Asuka proceeded downstairs to find Death leaning against his car, wearing the ever-present trench coat.

"And who is this, Third Child?"

"Hey, Asuka, lay off him. I'm his friend, Jimmy. So Shinji, I assume you're taking... or should I say that you're being taken shopping by the Red Devil?"

"What did you call me!"

"I called you a Red Devil, probably because you act like a bitch. Can you comprehend that?"

A resounding SMACK echoed throughout the area. Unfortunately for Asuka, Death, also known as Jimmy, ducked, so the slap was her hand connecting with a car.

"OW! Why you little…"

Shinji watched the one-sided fight with some interest, due to the fact that Death could dodge so easily, as well as taunt Asuka. After about a minute, Death became bored.

"Asuka, all you're doing is embarrassing yourself. Why don't you just forget about it, get in my car, and I'll drive both of you to the mall."

"JUST YOU WAIT! I'll get you eventually, you little idiot pervert!"

"I'm not an idiot or a pervert. Now get in the car, or you lose your ride, and your bag carrier."

Asuka got into the backseat, grumbling, as Shinji stepped through the passenger door. The car started with a great growl, and roared off down the street.

"Hey, Stooge #4, how come you're allowed to drive?"

Death slammed the brakes and the accelerator in quick succession.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

"Almost hit a pedestrian."

"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO DRIVE THIS NICE OF A CAR! Pull over and let me do it."

"Okay, Asuka."

Death then whispered _sotto voce _to Shinji, "This is Humility Lesson #1. Note how this car is a manual shift. Asuka can't drive stick."

Two minutes later, Death was back in the driver's seat, grumbling about how Asuka trashed his gearbox. A loud SCREECH and unnecessary damage to a lamppost signaled their arrival at the mall.

"Okay, you two go in, and I'll take this car to a repair shop. Have fun, and… HEY! GET YOUR CAR OUT OF THE WAY! YOU WANT ME TO BLOW IT UP? I'LL BLOW IT UP!"

Sidewinder missiles shot out of the car and annihilated an Alfa Romero that parked in front of Death. Aoba Shigeru watched with growing fear.

"Oh shit. Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki is going to kill me."


	4. Guns and Cars and Mansions, Oh My!

_**ANGEL OF DEATH: CHAPTER FOUR**_

_By Death88_

---AUTHOR'S NOTES / PAIRING VOTES---

Shinji/Rei ------ 10

Shinji/Asuka --- 7

Perhaps I didn't specify enough. You can vote for a pairing once for every review you leave.

Oh, and just before we get started, I'd just like to warn you that this chapter will be extra-long, because… it kind of grew while I was typing it.

AUTHOR'S NOTES ADDENDUM:

June 2, 2006 – Stupid final exams. School is finally over.

June 3, 2006 – I made a LiveJournal. cough cough death88 dot livejournal dot com cough I strongly recommend checking it out.

--- CHAPTER 4: _Guns and Cars and Mansions, Oh My!_ ---

Shinji was being dragged by Asuka along the second floor of the mall. If she hadn't been dragging him, he probably would have keeled over from the tremendous weight of the bags he was forced to carry.

Meanwhile, Death was sleeping in his car, having gotten back from the repair shop a good half-hour ago. He cracked open an eye, and saw a store called "ASSORTED GUNS AND AMMUNITION". A large list at the door read off the day's specials.

_TODAY'S SPECIALS_

_REMINGTON SHOTGUNS_

_AMT AUTOMAG SERIES_

_CUSTOMIZED PISTOLS_

_AMMUNITION EXPLOSION_

_2 CRATES .454 CASULL OR .40 SMITH & WESSON_

_AVAILIBLE WITH PURCHASE OF CORRECT GUN_

Above the Specials Board was the shop's slogan:

"_If we don't have it, it doesn't exist!"_

After purchasing a Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun, two customized .454 Casull Longslide pistols, an AMT Automag IV for Shinji, and a RPG-7 Rocket Propelled Grenade launcher, Death walked out of the store, and almost died from shock at the sight of all the bags surrounding his car.

"You don't seriously expect me to fit all those bags in my car, do you Asuka?"

"Of course I do! How else are they all going to get back to Misato's apartment?"

"You're gonna take the damn train."

Death slammed the car door and sped off. Asuka raised a finger, and she wasn't calling him number one, either.

**- CRUISIN' IN THE GRYPHON -  
**

"Where are we going, Death?"

"Please feel free to call me Jimmy. It seems more natural. Anyway, I hit the mother lode at this awesome gun store, so we are going to the NERV shooting range, where you are going to practice your skills."

"But I would never shoot somebody. I don't even have a gun!"

"You do now! Guns have many uses. You can: A. Threaten Misato, or as I like to call her, 'The Worst Drunk in Japan,' when she teases you."

In her apartment, Misato sneezed.

"B. Threaten Gendo, or as I like to call him, 'El Bastardo Supremo de México,' when he pisses you off."

In his office, Gendo sneezed.

"C. Threaten Asuka, or as I like to call her, 'Baron Von Bitch,' when she yells at you."

In the cab, Asuka sneezed, eliciting a stare from the driver.

"Um… Jimmy? Why did you call my father Mexican?"

"Cuz, I don't like him."

**- THIRTY MINUTES LATER -  
**

A very angry Asuka glared at Shinji, after opening the door.

"Well?"

"Erm, Asuka, I don't know how to say this… so I'll let Jimmy explain."

"Well, see, it's like this. We shot holes through all that shit you bought with these awesome guns that I bought. There is nothing you can do about it, so you will subsequently beat us up. Tokyo-3 General Hospital has been notified, and an ambulance is standing by.

**- TOKYO-3 GENERAL HOSPITAL -  
**

"Well, the cast can come off in a couple days. It's a good thing that it was only a minor fracture. I've never seen anyone get put through a steel beam by a single punch before."

"Daaamn."

**- M. KATSURAGI HOUSEHOLD -  
**

"Asuka, I'm severely disappointed in you. Punching Shinji's friend through the wall was uncalled for, despite the situation. It caused massive damage to the apartment complex, after he flew through the support beam."

"Daaamn."

**--- BACK TO THE EXPLOITS OF SHINJI… ---  
**

**- ONE LONG CAR RIDE LATER -  
**

The sleek, black Gryphon turned into the driveway of a beautiful mansion on the outskirts of Tokyo.

"Wow! You live here, Jimmy?"

"Naw, that's why I'm pulling MY car into MY garage."

Shinji was amazed at the extravagant opulence of the mansion.

"Jimmy, where did you get all the money for this?"

"Well, one day, I was ordered to kill this billionaire, because the Grim Reaper was on vacation. The Grim Reaper cannot be bought out by money. Fortunately for the billionaire, I can. Got a cool fifty million on the condition that I would never be back. Of course, he's Bill Gates. He can afford to give away fifty million to the Angel of Death."

"Wow."

"Yup. I put most of it towards this mansion and my extensive car collection. And then I spent a million on a supercomputer network that can rival the MAGI. They threw in a free multibillion dollar headquarters.

Shinji, who had been following Jimmy like a stray little puppy looked through a door, and walked into a fifteen foot by twenty foot room with absolutely nothing in it.

"Jimmy, what's this?"

"That goes down to the car garage. You wanna see?"

"Sure, I guess."

Jimmy stepped on to the platform, and it immediately dropped out from under them.

"YAAAAAAAAAAH!"

After dropping about five hundred feet, the platform slowly came to a rest underneath the two.

"Holy crap!"

"It's actually quite an ingenious system. The compressors built into the lift will gradually slow it, so it feels like you're floating, not slamming into a brick wall."

"What does slamming into a brick wall feel like?"

"Shut up. I didn't expect Asuka to be that angry."

The lights along the garage clicked on slowly.

"Thirty six cars, all in perfect condition."

Jimmy walked over to a large key rack on the wall.

"Here. 1971 Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado. Suits you perfectly."

"Huh?"

"I am giving you a car. Can you understand me? We are now going to go work on your wardrobe."

**- FIFTEEN MINTES LATER -  
**

Shinji came out of the restroom wearing charcoal slacks, a white dress shirt, a grey and black striped tie, and a charcoal jacket, buttoned.

"You clean up nice for a dumb fool with no experience with the ladies."

"Um… Jimmy? Why did you make me dress up like this?"

"Your school is having a school dance on Friday, correct?"

"Yes?"

"You're going."

Shinji's eyes became as big as saucers.

"Now, you'll obviously need to ask someone out."

His eyes got bigger still.

"j00 g07 pwn3d by t3h l337 h4xx0r, n00b."

"Say what?"

**- CRUISIN' ON THE HIGHWAY -  
**

"8.2 L V8 engine, extended wheelbase and front wheel drive, plus all the standard features. Also, it's been customized with automatic concealed side-mounted machine guns, a standup crest that converts into a fully movable rotary saw, and two rear mounted missile launchers, concealed behind the taillights. Also, the rims will project four inch spikes if another tire brushes up against them."

"What kind of a car is this?"

"Cadillac, customized by… me. That reminds me, it also has a customized engraved plate on the dashboard."

Engraved in a calligraphic script, the plate read, '1971 Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado Coupe – Pedestrians owned: 31.'

"What does 'owned' mean?"

"Let's go check the computer."

**- ANOTHER RANDOM SCENE CHANGE! BACK TO APARTMENT -  
**

"Welcome to your new Dell XPS 6000. This is the latest- what are you doing? Get away from that red X!"

Jimmy clicked the red X, and the crappy on screen character was killed.

"Forget the Dell Help Assistant. I ain't no god damn moron. Now, for the internet…. You do have internet here, don't you?"

Puzzled, Shinji asked, "What's the internet?"

"English, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

Asuka poked her head in from the other room.

"Hey, shut up! I'm trying to talk on the phone in here!"

"Oh, I'm sorry; did I break your concentration? Please, continue!" (That was

sarcasm)

Jimmy turned to Shinji.

"Well, I have to be going somewhere now, so you can do anything you want with this computer. I'll work on getting you an internet connection."

After walking outside, Jimmy got into his 1979 Trans Am SE, which wasn't parked outside when he walked into the building, and drove off.

………

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT IF IT'LL COST YOU A MILLION GREENBACKS! IF YOU HAVE TO DIG A TUNNEL WITH A SPOON AND EAT THE GOD DAMN DIRT, THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL DO! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!"

The CEO of Time Warner Cable walked out of his office ghastly white.

………

And we now continue with the exploits of Shinji and Death…

**- THE NEXT DAY -  
**

"Well, Shinji, we've been making progress. Your clothing has been vastly improved, which reminds me, I got you seven new black suits. You've got a car, a computer, and an iPod. The only things left are your own house, and your personality/speech. Oh, and you still need to find someone to take to your school dance next Friday night."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. Now shut up and listen up. You are no longer allowed to greet someone with "Hello." You must either say "Hi," "Yo," or "Whassup?" If anyone fucks around with you, you threaten to pop a cap in them. Wear this pair of awesome shades all the time. Don't talk to nerdy people about nerdy stuff. Drive like you're James Bond. Act like you're James Bond."

"Got it."

"Now, would you like me to drive you to school, or will you be letting Misato?"

"Ohhhh shit, I forgot it was a Monday! I'm gonna be late!"

Tires squealed as a black 1971 Cadillac jumped the curb and raced off. Swerving around cars, and shooting the tires off of others, they managed to make it to school in time to hear the tardy bell start ringing. The students looked out of the windows as the Cadillac skidded into a parking space a la Misato. Various whispers started circulating.

"Who is that?"

"I don't know, but whoever it is must be a pretty awesome driver."

"Someone's getting out the passenger door."

"Holy shit, is that Shinji?"

"Who does he know that owns a nice car like that?"

"Who's that guy that was driving it?"

"I don't know, I've never seen him before."

"Could he be a new student?"

The handle on the door across the room turned, and Shinji and Jimmy, with matching midnight black suits and shades, walked into the room. Death remained standing at the front of the classroom.

"Attention students. Your normal teacher, Boring-sensei, wouldn't shut up about things nobody cares about. He was sent to a place where his nonsensical jabber would be put to good use. He is now a politician. I am your new instructor. My name is Jimmy, but you can call me whatever you want, as long as it will get my attention."

"Sir, should we-"

"No, Class Representative Horaki, you do not need to do that stupid 'Stand, Bow, Sit' routine. Everybody shut up and listen. If you do not shut up when I am talking, you will be put in detention. Am I clear?"

"YES, SIR!"

"Good. You may now ask questions of me for the first fifteen minutes of class. Tell me your name, and ask your question. You, with the Fonzie haircut."

"'AYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"Shut up. You with the video camera."

"Kensuke Aida. Have you ever been in any wars?"

"No. You in the track suit."

"Touji Suzuhara. Do you, by any chance, know Shinji?"

"No, I don't know him, that's why we're wearing the same exact thing today. Of course I know him, you fool. Next question."

"Is that your black car outside?"

"No. It's Shinji's."

"I have a question!"

Jimmy glanced at Asuka.

"Not answering it. Put your hand down, bitch."

A bunch of students in the class snickered. Asuka glared at Jimmy with malevolence.

"I could get you fired from this school for saying that," she said, with an air of superiority.

"I don't actually work here, so you can just shut your mouth. Now, today you will be learning about…"

The students groaned.

"Second Impact? What kind of a shitty lesson plan is this? You will now be learning about the **COOLNESS TRANSFERENCE EQUATION**."

Jimmy wrote this on the board, while a lot of the students brightened up at the thought of learning something interesting. Asuka was still angry.

"We can do this the short way, or the short way. I need a volunteer."

Everybody raised their hands.

"You. The one that is obviously not paying attention and staring out the window. Come up here."

Rei looked forward, stood up, and walked to the front of the room.

"This is an example of the Coolness Transference Equation."

Everyone looked on with interest.

"Raise your hand if you think Rei is awesome."

Nobody raised their hands.

"Rei is now awesome. Raise your hand if you think Rei is now awesome."

Everybody raised their hands.

"Done deal. Rei, you can sit down now. Everyone, you have the rest of the day off to do whatever. Don't leave the school grounds."

With that, Jimmy sat down, put his feet up on the teacher's desk, and went to sleep.

(A/N- That was probably one of the lamest parts of this fic. But, since this whole fic has been a setup for one joke COMING SOON TO A CHAPTER (5) NEAR YOU, it doesn't really matter.)

**- LUNCHTIME! HOORAY! -  
**

"Wow, Shinji, how did you get such a nice car? And such nice clothes? And your personality is radically changed. You're not stuttering anymore."

"Jimmy's been helping me out, for some reason. He's a pretty nice – HEY! Get that smelly burrito away from me!"

Touji, oblivious to the horrendous stench of the burrito, sat down on the bench on the roof across from Shinji. Kensuke sat down next to him.

Kensuke began acting like how he acted when he begged to pilot an EVA. "WOW! Do you think that you could get Jimmy to-"

"No."

"But I-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Buh-"

"If you're done ripping off old Saturday Night Live comedy bits, we can talk about something else."

"Darn…"

Suddenly, an extremely loud shout, as well as a shot rang out.

"FUCKING DUMBASS WOULD BE CARJACKING ASSHOLES! YOU FUCKING SCRATCHED THE DOOR! IF YOU DON'T GET UP OUT OF HERE IN ONE SECOND I'M GONNA BLAST ALL OF YOU LIKE THAT!"

Everybody in the entire school except Shinji looked towards the sounds and saw Jimmy shooting at some wannabe punk carjacker who just happened to try to steal the wrong car. Shinji immediately pulled out his AMT Automag and jumped over the side of the roof. Everyone gasped. Gasp. Shinji hit the ground, rolled, and began running after the wannabe punk carjackers. Everyone gasped again. Gasp.

"Yo, Shinji! In case you didn't realize by now, these wannabe punk carjacking assholes tried to steal your brand new car, and in doing so, put a scratch on it. You comin' with me to waste their asses?"

"Word is up. Lets pop a cap in them so hard, they'll be seeing doctors for a year."

**--- CHAPTER FOUR END ---  
**

That chapter was pretty much complete crap. I didn't have any ideas, but I needed to incorporate a lot of the concepts introduced, as well as bring in the overall finale (e.g. the school dance). So, I figured that a really good and twice as long Chapter Five will make up for this horrendously crappy and not as long Chapter Four. 

Review! Tell me how bad this was! Give me ideas! Visit my LiveJournal! Offer to preread! I don't care!


	5. Quantum Physics and The Esteemed Author

ANGEL OF DEATH

Chapter 4.5

"Jimmy, where the hell are we?"

"This is the literal representation of the author's mind."

"We're just floating in a big white space, though."

"That's because his mind is too complex for us to understand. Who can fathom what secrets lay beyond the horizons of this area."

"Horizons?"

Sure enough, there was a speck in the distance rushing up to meet them. With a whoosh of air, they were standing in the corridors of the starship Enterprise.

"Well, now that we can see where we are, I have an idea of where we should go."

"Where?"

"To the turbolift!"

And so, our protagonists proceeded to the turbolift…

"Er… okay, I'm out of ideas."

"What do you mean, out of ideas? We're stuck in someone's mind inside an elevator thing, and you're out of ideas? I ought to deck you once upside…"

The lift started moving up at an astonishing rate.

"Okay, so it's voice activated by decks. Good thinking."

"Uh, sure."

The doors sprung open with a whoosh, revealing the bridge. Wires were hanging down out of the ceiling, consoles were sparking, and a pair of legs was sticking out of a panel on the ceiling. Shinji poked at a leg, and instantly the owner fell out of the ceiling and onto a very sharp pipe.

"AAAH DAMN! What the hell, man? I was working!"

"Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, I'm the author. You're inside my mind, sort of."

"What do you mean, sort of?"

"Well, in reality, you're inside my computer. But this entire scenario was designed inside my mind. I bet you'd like to know why you're here, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"The computer is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If Dell hadn't promised to fix it free it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its operating processes are now history! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the computing invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-COMPUTER!!"

"Well, now that the Monty Python reference is out of the way, can we be going back to Tokyo-3?"

"Well… um… no. Like I said, my computer is broken. And your entire world is contained within my computer. Have you taken quantum physics yet?"

"No?"

"You wouldn't understand. Suffice it to say that until my repair parts get here, you won't be going back. Make yourself comfortable, you'll be staying in my mind for quite a long time."

The management's apologies to the readers.

- The Angel of Death


	6. Final Combat

ANGEL OF DEATH

CHAPTER FIVE

DEATH88

_This whole ordeal has had somewhat of a je ne sais quoi¹ about it, wouldn't you say…_

_¹ pronounced zhay nay sah quah (zh n s kwä)… close enough, anyway._

_To resume where we left off, uh buh wha? HELL NO, BITCHES! I'm taking over the reins personally this time. We start wherever the hell I want to start! NOW…_

"_So no one told you life was gonna be this way…_

_Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A…"_

CLICK! Jimmy turned off the radio.

"Shit, that was horrible. Shinji, pull out the map. We need to get to the airfield, and we need to be there yesterday."

The '59 Cadillac was already redlining, but Jimmy was still going. HE already had it up to one hundred and fifty seven miles per hour, which is about forty M.P.H. faster than the maximum safe speed for the car. The odometer was firing like a machine gun, and the needle on the tachometer had broken through the restraint. The temperature gauge was reading one hundred and seventy degrees Fahrenheit, and one could suspect that the entire car was a barreling death trap. But neither Jimmy nor Shinji cared about that. What was at the forefront of their minds was stopping the imminent doom of Tokyo-3. Before it started.

"Take this exit."

"Which exit? Ah, whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. There's the airfield."

And with that, Jimmy smashed the car through the guardrails, and flew over the fence surrounding the runway.

"Jimmy, you know you're going to blow out the engine if you keep this up."

"I know, my friend. I know. You see that Boeing 787 that was supposed to be a demonstration at the air show? It's been hijacked. And we have to get on that plane."

"Okay. Let's hit it."

"Why?"

"Eh. Something to do."

"Oh-kay. RAMMING SPEED, AHOY!"

Over the sound of the engines, the pilot of the plane should have been able to hear the sound of tires squealing. The pilot should have noticed that one engine had just sucked in a speeding car, and that an engine on the other wing was decelerating to compensate. But the pilot did not notice, because there was no pilot.

"Okay, Jimmy. We're here. Who are we trying to stop?"

"Shinji, I have trained you well for this moment. You are an expert in fighting, and picking suits, not to mention driving. I ask you to honor my memory after I perish."

"WHAT!? Why would you die?"

"Because I kidnapped Asuka and Rei, and if you don't stop me within five minutes, this plane, Rei, Asuka, and both of us will barrel straight in to NERV headquarters, and explode like a giant bomb, destroying this entire city. You see, Shinji, sometimes, the line between good, and bad, is oh so blurry. And you know what? The good guys don't always win."

Jimmy had taken on a faint red glow, and began hovering inches off the ground.

"Shinji, my friend, neither you nor NERV will live to see another day. And you know why? Because you were blinded by your lamblike belief that everyone is out there to help you. And what has it gotten you? A nice suit, a gun, and impending doom for the entire city. I just want you to know that. And now, I pose to you a choice. You have five minutes. You can save the world and destroy this plane in the air, you can rescue Asuka, you can rescue Rei, or you can attack me. You can't do everything. And be warned, if you try to attack me, you won't be able to do anything else. But regardless, history will never remember you. You will be another name engraved on a symbolic grave, consumed by an expanding ball of fire along with the rest of your compatriots. And there is nothing you can do to stop that. But I give to you, as a final gift, another option. There is a single parachute on this plane. There are three people here. You can save one. Be it you, Asuka, or Rei, one person will escape this flaming inferno alive. So, ask yourself one question; 'Do I want to sacrifice myself?' Well? Do ya, punk?"

Jimmy gestured around to the inside of the plane.

"A monument to opulence and greed, used to pervert and destroy humanity's worst creation. Do you find it fitting? I have lived to see worlds torn to shreds, buildings collapse along with a race's dreams. Crushed in a single instant. And I laughed. I laughed in the face of it all. I know what you are wondering. What am I? I am the little part of you that always had a spine. A festering dislike of authority, capitalism, and punishment. You were never aware of me, were you? The real James P. Reciful is lying dead in his house somewhere. I killed him. How do you like that? The knowledge that you were responsible for a man's death. And you know what? All this time, you've been listening to my monologue, your time has been ticking away. And it's up. Goodbye, Shinji Ikari. I will see you on the other side."

And with that, Jimmy shot himself through the head, as the plane exploded into a fireball around him.

Shinji awoke in a stark white hospital room, covered in bandages. Same room, same white ceiling, same wounded pilot lying in the bed opposite from him. One looking in would think that there two teenagers were injured in some mundane teenage antics. But what history recorded was much different. Much different indeed.

Preview For C H A P T E R S I X : A F T E R M A T H

_The stars streaked across the sky as morning approached. Shinji sat at the top of a hill, looking down at the epitome of perfection that was his city. But not his Tokyo-3. A shadowy figure appeared next to him._

"_Well done, Shinji. You chose… wisely. I have done well with you. Now, I must bid you farewell, for I have others to train."_

_And with a nod of his head, James P. Reciful departed in the blink of an eye._

_ YES, EVERYTHING WILL BE EXPLAINED IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT!  
_


	7. Aftermath

ANGEL OF DEATH CHAPTER SIX

A F T E R M A T H

"What the freakin' hell was that?"

"Shinji, you took some whacked out drugs. You've been on a bad trip for a couple hours."

"Shit."

And that, dear readers, explains everything.

"You dumbass."

"Hey, shaddup Jimmy. It was a one time thing."

"Oh-kay… just remember, drugs are bad. They kill more people than guns or alcohol… or me!"

The more you know…

… the less you want to know… but we don't talk about that anymore.

"So, what exactly did you trip out about?"

"Oh, you were evil and destroyed the entire city with an evil monologue."

"That sounds exactly like something I would do. Oh, and by the way, I wrecked your car. Twice. In a fire. Today."

"YOU BASTARD!"

Jimmy ran off, with Shinji in close pursuit.

"Wait- we can't just leave Rei and Asuka like this, can we?"

"Yeah. We can. We will. We did."

"How did they get injured, anyway?"

"They got plowed down by a '71 Cadillac with the license plate BADMOFO."

"You hit them with my car?!"

"I said I wrecked it twice!"

"YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU HIT PEOPLE WITH IT!!"

"Eh, you only live once. No, YOU only live once. I live for as long as the author fuckin' wants me to live. Now come on, let's go shoot some pigeons."

"You mean like skeet shooting?"

"No, we'll drive to the park, and shoot some pigeons."

"FUCK YEAH!"

"AMERICA!"

"WHAT?"

"AMERICA, ASSHOLE! Land of the free, home of the brave… pretzel vendors on street corners…"

"FUCK YEAH!"

Insert Team America theme song here.

**ONE FLYING CAR RIDE LATER…**

"_-cshht- Flight Control, this is 4C4R, requesting permission to land, over. -cshht-"_

"_-cshht- 4C4R, this is Flight control, you are cleared to land at Runway Three, over. -cshht-"_

The flying car touched down, immediately spun off the runway, jumped a concrete barrier, and crashed through the fence.

"Shit, dude! You can't drive at all! Even when there's nobody to hit!"

Deedle Deedle Deedle Deedle…

"Wow, my pager! I thought it wouldn't work after I destroyed those three fire hydrants and crashed the car into the ocean."

"Damn, dude. Are you legally blind or something? You couldn't find your ass with both hands without a map."

"Well, if you were holding a map, then you couldn't find your arse with the hands you used to hold it… SHIT!"

The car crashed into a gas station and exploded in a flaming ball of fire. Not that a ball of fire would not be flaming. It was just… never mind.

Shinji awoke in a stark white hospital room.

"Shit cake monger ass hooker damn bitch rape!"

Rinse, lather, repeat. Twice. In a fire. Today.

"What the fuck is all this?"

"Yeah… have you taken temporal physics yet? Never mind… every time you wake up, reality changes a little. So now…

Jimmy pulled out a clipboard.

"The drinking age is fourteen, you own a mansion, your mother's not dead, your father loves you, he has a real job, nobody's ever heard of EVAs, and you lead a normal life."

**LINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAKLINEBREAK**

The stars streaked across the sky as morning approached. Shinji sat at the top of a hill, looking down at the epitome of perfection that was his city. But not his Tokyo-3. A shadowy figure appeared next to him.

"Well done, Shinji. You chose… wisely. I have done well with you. Now, I must bid you farewell, for I have others to train."

And with a nod of his head, James P. Reciful departed in the blink of an eye…

…and returned moments later.

"Forgot my keys."

DU-DUN… PSHH!

Stay tuned for the sequel! Jimmy gets fired from his job, IRS audits push him into the red, and his house is repossessed. What is he to do? Why, go to FEUDAL JAPAN, of course! Next time, on Inuyasha: The boy who overcame taxes, and the traveling group about to get owned!

Oh, and remember…

IT'S ALL UP TO YOU, SO CLICK, TYPE, REVIEW! © 2007 DEATH88

_I hope you enjoyed the first four chapters. The rest was shit. I admit that. I needed to finish this and clean my slate in preparation for additional funny. All my funny was tapped out, and I implore you to watch for the sequel to this, which will be written when I have more funny to spend._

_Thank you._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Esteemed Author_


End file.
